22 November 2011

rat race

I am in the midst of submitting two papers. I need these papers to get accepted, or else I can not write up my thesis. On the one hand it is a blessing that my supervisors want me to have published data as a prerequisite for my defense, on the other it is killing me. The data is marginal. The results will be either seen as controversial or irrelevant. I have made up my mind, well most of the time I am sure, that I will quit science as soon as this is over. So what do I want with these publications. Nothing. if I apply for a science job, the publications (the content that is) will never help me get the job. If I apply outside science, who cares about stuff that took me more than a year (I actually found out when I submitted one of these the first time... depressing, it came back a gazillion times).

the other paper gets changed by my supervisors again and again. every time I think I am close to the final hurdle before writing stuff up, the "suddenly" want different stuff, stuff we have never discussed, stuff that we decided not to do. I also NEED to submit this paper. The more balls in the air, the greater chance of one of these MoFo thing's to get accepted. Have I mentioned that i won't be a PhD before at least 2 are accepted.

And did I mention that my employment as scientist has stopped a while ago. I teach now, and that costs a massive amount of time, no time left for trivial stuff like data, or statistics. No, I teach three courses in each window. Different year, different content. All new courses. Massive amount of time needed to prep for each class.

I need every fiber in my body to not freak out, burn out, stress out, and think sane enough to jump the hoops of the editors of the revisions, jump the hoops of the supervisors, and jump the hoop of my teaching load. While being penniless. And Christmas is coming, I have a fine, and I need to spend some money on Good Food to keep me happy.

I am sooooo stressed out. And the end is not in sight....

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